Friday, February 10, 2012

Love and Marriage

It is important to me to make it very clear that I have no distaste for people who marry, or people who divorce. This thought is about a question I have asked myself and was not able to answer. 

I have thought a lot about marriage over the years. I thought I wanted to get married, and I admit that some part of it still appeals to me, but I can not answer 'Why?' 
Why do I want to get married? I have absolutely no answer.
I even looked at forums that people had posted on the internet answering the question "Why do people get married?" and most of the answers I got were based on dysfunction and assumptions.
'Why do people get married? Because a relationship without marriage is meaningless. Your partner could just leave you at any moment and this can cause insecurity to grow in a relationship.'
Another answer I read was along the lines of this: 'I got married because I wanted to have children and wanted a partner who would be a good parent'
I am paraphrasing multiple answers I read, so as not to infringe on anyone's intellectual property.
It's interesting to me how someone could pull out a statement like "I think you would be a good parent." Compared to what? 
What makes a "good parent"? Someone who doesn't beat their children? All that is is a judgement, another behavior I do my best to avoid, although I know that I certainly slip and jump to criticisms/judgments.
To me, if you are going to become insecure about whether your partner will leave you or not, you will do this always until you are able to use wiseminded techniques to catch your train of thought before it goes off the tracks. 
For example, I can choose to assume that my boyfriend is not answering his phone because he doesn't want to talk with me, or I could assume that he is just away from his phone right now. What I choose to do is make no assumptions at all, and accept that my phone call did not reach him and that I may not talk to him right now, instead of weaving an imaginary story about how he doesn't love me anymore or some other fantasy dialog that I can never really know.
I do not know exactly what someone is thinking, I never will. But it simply does not matter, and I find it far more relaxing to just be in the moment.

So, what is it about marriage that is appealing?
I do not desire children, I do not worry about whether or not my partner will waltz out the door at any moment, I do not participate in a religeon that condones the necessity of marriage, I do not need to prove to family and friends that I am in love with my partner...What else is there?

Love, I have, but I don't think that marriage is necessary to "prove" my love. That goes back to being insecure about the relationship.
Financial security is not a reason I feel good about for myself.

My parents were married, and spoke highly of their wedding, though neither could manage to speak a word of praise about the other.
They never divorced, but they hadn't lived in the same house my whole life and didn't live on the same property from 1999 when my mother and I moved to Austin T.X., to 2008 when my mother died. They rarely spoke with each other, and fought when they did. In spite of their unhappy experience, I do not feel anger towards marriage in general.

If you feel inspired to answer the question "Why do people marry?" or "Why did you get married?" then please, feel free to answer, but I shan't tolerate hateful or judgemental attacks. 
If this post has offended you, please, ask yourself  "What story have I told myself about this?" if you can answer, then ask again "Is that really true? Would I bet my life that that is true?" For example, I have used this to curb the thought "I am mad because she's a bitch and does all she can to hurt me!" However, when I asked myself if it was absolutely, undeniably true that she was a bitch and doing all she could to hurt me, I could not answer yes. I answered no because there was simply no way I could know what her intentions were. This is a technique a very excellent therapist of mine taught me, and it has been a wonderful levee of reality for me. 

1 comment:

  1. Real-Time Relationships. . .my wife and I got married because we're different nationalities, and we can't afford to travel across the Atlantic every 3 months.

    We didn't need the marriage to "sanctify" or secure our relationship.